


Too Shy

by MiotaLee



Category: Black Mirror (TV), Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 21:53:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17691779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiotaLee/pseuds/MiotaLee
Summary: THE Colin Ritman comes over to help Stefan with Bandersnatch.





	Too Shy

**Author's Note:**

> ok, so the first part (3 paragraphs) has some proper exposition in it, but I haven’t got the authorial prowess to smoothly work it into the text, so pardon the blunt-ness of it
> 
> edit 19-02-16: fixed some grammar, punctuation and typos. I also added some more flavor text here and there. Plz give me a head's up if anything sounds strange :)  
> (English is not my native language)

It was always supposed to be Colin, wasn't it?

Stefan had thought about sex occasionally before. It wasn’t like he was obsessed with the thought and when the guys at school had talked about sex or girls, he had mainly hummed in agreement just so he wouldn't stand out.

It wasn't until he had accidentally thought about Colin Ritman while masturbating that he really got a clue about his own sexuality. Thinking about that moment sometimes made him chuckle, to think how naive he used to be, or maybe still was... but he never felt like he needed to explore it further.  
Maybe it was his depression that had left his libido on the low end of the spectrum? He also didn't quite dare to explore it, not only because he would have been looked down upon or become a laughingstock if he came out. 

Also that the thought of going to a gay bar made him feel uncomfortable. Just the thought of explicitly going somewhere to pick someone up and go home with them made him feel all weird. Yes, he'd definitely had to go to their place. It was the only option since the first and only time that Stefan had brought a male friend over to his place, his dad had looked at Stefan with what he could only interpret as disgust and disappointment. And that guy had just been a friend.

So when Colin had asked if Stefan needed help with Bandersnatch and had offered to come over to his place to do so, he was more than a little nervous. 

When the doorbell had initially rung he didn't dare chance a glance at his father, he was afraid of whatever expression he might have had on his face. Stefan could hear him getting up from the kitchen, moving toward the door, curious of who came calling. He was probably creeping up behind Stefan's back just to cast judgment upon his guest, no matter who it might have been.

“Are you expecting someone?” Stefan's dad, Peter, inquired in a tone that was seemingly concerned.

“Colin,” was all that Stefan could muster as he opened the door, revealing the tall blonde stature, wearing his golden rimmed glasses.

“Oh, THE Colin Ritman,” Peter said and nudged his shoulder into Stefan's, pushing him aside and extended a hand toward Colin. “I've heard a lot of good things about you, my son's quite the fan of your work!”

Stefan felt his blood run cold. Why was his father asserting dominance right now? He felt so annoyed about everything that his dad did at this very moment. Everything from his tone of voice, to the words he said and how he had pushed past him to greet Colin before Stefan himself had the chance to do so.

Colin shot him a glance over Peter's shoulder before he said; “Uh, Thanks, I suppose.”

“I'm Peter,” he said, putting his newly shaken hand on Colin's shoulder leading him over the threshold and closing the door behind him. “What brings you to this part of town?”

“Bandersnatch,” he said a-matter-of-factually. He seemed just as overwhelmed by Peter's greeting as Stefan was. “...and as a resource provided by Tuckersoft, I'm here to help,” Colin said slowly.

“That's splendid!” Peter exclaimed. “To be honest, I was a little worried when Stefan said that he would be working on the game alone, at home. It seemed mad not to work with the company.”

“Well, he is working with the company,” Colin said, his voice contracting into a stern annoyance. “He's just developing it alone, y'know, so that his vision won't become tainted,” Colin looked at Stefan from the corner of his eyes, searching for an input or confirmation.

“Yeah, that's it,” Stefan nodded in agreement. “Tuckersoft is basically just giving me resources and they're going to publish the game for me,” Stefan talked fast and almost fumbled over the words. God, he wanted this conversation to be over.

“Then let's get to work, no time to waste!” Colin said in a chipper, upbeat tone, changing the atmosphere of the entire room. Before Peter could utter another word to poison Colin's presence any further they had slipped up to the second floor and the the “pit” as Colin refereed to it.

Stefan's computer was already up and running so he only opened up the latest version of Bandersnatch’s script. He let Colin sit down in his computer chair to allow him look over the code while Stefan was standing by his side.

“Looks decent so far,” he commented as his eyes darted across each line of code. “You've compressed it well, there aren't many superfluous commands of what I can see,” he said, pushing his glasses further up on the bridge of his nose. “One of my policies is that I don't mess with anyone else's source code,” he said as he opened up another script page and hastily input some commands. “What I can recommend is that you shorten this command and write it like this instead, it'll shorten the programs response time and probably save you some processing power,”  
-  
“Oh, yeah, that makes more sense, thank you,” Stefan said in awe. Colin's mind, skills and finesse was on an entirely different level. “Why didn't I think of that?”

“Don't put yourself down, I can tell that you've been under a lot of stress,” Colin said, still looking intently on the screen. “That's why I offered to help,” he said, tapping a key once, as if to punctuate his previous statement. He then turned his head to meet Stefan's eyes. Stefan who had been looking over Colin's shoulder took a step backwards, slightly shocked from having Colin's face in such close proximity to his own all of a sudden.

“You've got a good game on your hands there, all it needs is a little polish and it'll get a five star rating for sure,” he said, clearly unaffected by Stefan's reaction.

“You really think so?” Stefan felt his heart skip a beat. Hearing that Colin Ritman thought his game was deserving of a top rating was more happiness than he could handle. He could feel his ears heating up, his face was probably red as well.

“Not that ratings really matter all that much, but yeah. It's a niche concept and...” he took a deep breath. Picking up the book that was laying next to the keyboard. “Well, I haven't seen what else you've got under your belt, but if all of them are on this level, I don't see why you couldn't make a carrier of it.”

Fucking stop it, Stefan thought. His heart was pounding harder and harder from each casual compliment. If Colin only knew the effect he had on him. Stefan was pretty sure that if Colin said that he could be a fighter pilot, he would apply to the army within an hour.

Colin could probably detect his eagerness to continue on his game because he leaped out of the computer chair, letting Stefan get to work.

Feeling inspired, Stefan did just that. He could feel his fingers typing busily, the lines of code rushing past his eyes. Colin took a quick gander around Stefan's room, picking up various things to examine them further. After a lap or two he returned to Stefan's side, leaning over his shoulder to investigate his progress.

“Want to give it a test?” Stefan said, halting his typing. “I forgot that you haven't seen my progress since that first time I demoed the game for you and Thakur.”

“Let it rip,” Colin concurred.

The game ran smoothly and Stefan let Colin pick which path to take. At one path, however the game froze up.

“Shit,” Stefan said, biting his pinky nail. “I thought I fixed that...”

“Here, let me take a look,” Colin said, grabbing the mouse and tried to exit the application, but nothing happened, the entire thing was frozen. He reached his left hand forward to press down the command key. Stefan's entire body tensed up as Colin was basically embracing him. He could feel the warmth of Colin's skin on his cheek, Colin's chest leaning on his shoulder. 

Stefan glanced at him, trying to look at his eyes without moving his head. Colin had a stern expression on his face, his brow furrowed. He was squinting and and lips were tightly closed. His eyelashes looked long and curled from this close distance.

Maybe Colin had noticed him staring at him because he stopped typing for a moment and turned his gaze to meet Stefan's. He then pulled away, clapping him on the shoulder before returning to aimlessly strolling around the room.

“It seems like it's just a common buffer error, I suggest going over your code and put in a limiter somewhere,” he said while doing some light stretches and cracking his knuckles.

“Yeah...” Stefan said, looking over his code. “I thought I had fixed that,” he felt his face going read again, but this time from embarrassment. “I guess I've been pretty distracted lately.”

“Is the deadline “stressy” for you?” Colin said jokingly. Stefan didn't catch his expression, but from the sound of his voice he guessed that he was smirking.

“You could say that...” Stefan straightened his posture. “My dad and my therapist won't get off my back, it's like-” he looked over at Colin, realizing another stupid thing about him. He had only really known him for less than a day, but he was already giving him compliments, encouraging him and generally being a nice and considerate person. Stefan realized that he didn't have any constant people in his life that was like that. Sure, both dad and Dr. Haynes tried to be encouraging, but it was sort of their job, so it didn't feel quite the same.

“Like... what?” Colin's voice brought Stefan back to reality.

“It's like they're expecting me to fail, but their mouths are saying stuff like 'oh, you're doing great, Stefan' and it's so frustrating to always be a constant disappointment to them.”

“Do you really care about their opinions that much?”

“No, not really... It's just that,” Oh god, this is going to sound utterly pathetic. “I don't really have... anyone else to talk to. I suppose I don't really have any friends.”

“I see,” Colin said softly. “I mean, I don't really have a ton of friends either, but I like my own company so I guess it doesn't bother me as much. Sorry, I wish I could say something more helpful.”

“Don't,” Stefan said. “I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. That would just confirm Haynes's theories about my utter incompetence,” he sighed.

“That's your therapist? Did he really say that?” Colin sat down on the floor, legs crossed.

“She. And no, she didn't say that, I just get the feeling that that's what she really thinks about me.”

“Maybe you should worry less about what you think that people think about you, and instead focus more on doing things that make you happy?”

“See, you're already a better therapist than her. She's always trying to get me to talk about my mother, or I dunno something stupid and ultimately pointless.”

Colin chuckled at his first remark.  
“All right,” he said, looking up at the ceiling. “How about this; what do you think that I think about you?”

Stefan exhaled heavily.

“I guess... You might think that I'm... That I have potential as a game maker, but that I'm sloppy and probably not as self-reliant as I should be. Heck, you basically needed to babysit me in order for me to figure out a basic buffer error,” he said in rapid succession, shrugging and then exhaling heavily again.

Colin pursed his lip, pulling them to the left side of his face, half frowning, half smiling. He then cleared his throat.

“What I do think...” he said slowly, unfolding his legs and standing up. “Is that you have a creative vision and that you work diligently on it -to a fault. And I think you need more positive people in your life, people that can distract you from the oppressive environment that you usually find yourself in. You probably need to surround yourself by people that are equal to you, or people that you can feel superior to.”

“So... I should go to a kindergarten?”

Colin laughed, it was a hearty genuine laugh, he even clenched a hand over his stomach.

“See, you're funny too. A real catch 'em all,” he said after he recovered from laughing and symbolically wiped a tear from his eye. 

“What do you mean by that?” Stefan asked stiffly.

“You know,” he said, tilting his head. “Any girl would be lucky to have you,” he said casually.

“Oh,” Stefan felt a weird, sort of nauseating feeling in the pit of his stomach. He noticed that he was peeling gunk from under his nails. Not that there was any, it was just one of his many nervous responses. “I-I'm not really...”

“...or any guy,” Colin added, just as casually as before.

Stefan jerked his head toward Colin. “I'm sorry?” he said, bewildered.

“Or did I misinterpret your signals?” he said in an excusing tone, giving a sort of upside-down smile while shaking his head apologetically. “I didn't mean any offense.”

“No it's just,” Stefan was probably going to send his body into a catatonic state from all the fluctuating emotions that Colin has made him feel in the span of the time he had been inside his room. He cleared his throat. “I wasn't aware that I was sending any signals... Is it- is it that obvious?”

“Nah,” Colin said taking a couple of swift strides toward Stefan and then squatting next to his chair so that they they were face to face. 

“It's mainly noticeable..." Colin put his right hand on Stefan's left thigh. "Right now,” he said, not wavering eye contact for the first time since he stepped over the threshold.

Stefan Swallowed. He wasn't sure if only his upper lip was starting to bead with sweat or if his entire body was having a reaction of nervous anticipation. Colin tilted his head and regarded Stefan carefully, probably judging this very reaction.

Stefan was just about to open his mouth to say something when his dad flung open the door. Colin's hand retracted from his leg and he stood up, shuffling his feet in the most awkward attempt to look casual ever. 

“I was just heading out to the pub for lunch. I left some cash on the counter if you wanna order pizza,” Peter said. Stefan could clearly see that he had noticed Colin's position. His speech seemed short and stubby, just like he used to sound when Stefan had been a child and made a fuss about bringing his stuffed animals out in public.

“Thanks,” Stefan said quickly, trying to sound unaffected. “When will you be back?”

Peter scratched his temple. He seemed to have an inner conflict of some kind. “I'll probably be out late,” he said, but it seemed like Colin's presence was irking him, his words seemed to contradict his true desires. “Some of us guys from work are gonna have a pint afterward. It's Nigel's birthday.”

“Oh, tell him I said 'happy birthday',” Stefan said, faking a smile.

“Yeah. I'll see you later tonight or... in the morning,” he said, then slowly backed out of the door frame before turning around and disappearing.

Colin and Stefan basically sat in silence until they heard Peter's car peel out of the driveway. Then Colin turned to Stefan.

“Does he always do that? Barge in on you, I mean?”

“Yeah...” Stefan sighed and looked down in his lap. “I feel like a prisoner in my own home, it's like I'm always under surveillance. It's fucking-”

“Oppressive,” Colin finished his sentence. He ran a hand through his hair and over the back of his neck. “Ever thought about getting your own place?”

“Couldn't afford it...” Stefan scoffed.

“Maybe look for a roommate?”

“I don't... I have hard time connecting with people,” Stefan said dejectedly. “Or I guess, people have a hard time connecting to me.”

“It's probably due to your self image. You need to work on that,” Colin said in his usual matter-of-fact tone, pointing at him with his finger and his thumb. “I'm ordering some pizza, courtesy of your dad,” he smiled and headed for the door but before he exited the room, he turned around. “Where's your phone?”

“Oh, I'll come with, there is only one pizza place that delivers to this address.”

*

Colin had ordered a pizza with pineapple, the only person Stefan knew of that actually liked pineapple on pizza.

As they were getting ready to eat, Colin lit a cigarette that he had kept in his breast pocket. He took a deep drag. He didn't ask if it was ok to smoke, but he probably noticed Peter's ashtrays that littered the entire house.

“Here,” he said, handing the cigarette to Stefan. “I think you need more than pizza to get comfortable.”

“Uh, why?”

“You just seem... Tense,” Colin finished.

They ate in relative silence, taking turns to smoke in between slices. Colin was right though, after the first joint and somewhere in the middle of the second one, he felt himself starting to relax. Maybe his eyes were red, pupils dilated or otherwise impaired, because his vision started getting blurred. 

Colin seemed to notice that Stefan was high because he once again gave him a knowing smirk. 

“So, I'm taking it that your father doesn't... fully approve?”

“Of what?” Stefan giggled. He didn't quite know why.

“I guess, of of your choices, generally. He seemed to think it was 'crazy to do the game alone' for starters,” he said, shoving a slice of pizza in his mouth.

“For starters? How much could you possibly know about my dad after only having talked to him for about 30 seconds?” Stefan crossed his arms.

“That's all it takes to spot a homophobe,” Colin mumbled, mouth full of pizza.

Stefan just stared blankly at Colin. He didn't know what to say. He wasn't wrong. His father had always been afraid that “his son was a sissy” and seemed to encourage him to do stereotypical masculine things. Peter had even forced Stefan to join a football team, only to be disappointed in his lackluster participation. 

How come Colin always seemed to know what was going on? It was as if he always had full control over every situation. That was just one more thing that Stefan admired about him, something he couldn't have known about him before meeting him. He was the polar opposite of Stefan, who in turn, felt like he was never in control of anything.

“How?” Stefan began, uncertain of how to formulate his thoughts. “How are you so sure about yourself? Do you never lose control?”

“I just take it. That's my best advice for you; if you crave control and respect, you've got to take it. No one can help you with that except you,” he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He flung up his legs on the couch and leaned his head on the armrest. His feet somewhat resting on top of Stefan's lap.

Taking Colin's advice literally and immediately, Stefan made a choice that he was certain of, certain that he wanted to make, no matter what the outcome would be. He just knew that he'd hate himself if he didn't take the chance. 

He pulled his knees up on the couch, pushing Colin's right leg aside so that his foot touched the floor. Stefan then made a quick leap, pinning Colin underneath him. Then he froze as he met Colin's eyes. Colin had a wild, undefined expression on his face. Stefan immediately regretted his very forward move and was just about to back off when Colin grabbed his collar and pushed his lips toward Stefan's.

He could feel Colin's hands travel up to lightly pull his hair.  
Colin's mouth was hot and wet and he could feel him biting carefully at Stefan's lips.

Fuck. Shit. This is happening. Stefan thought to himself. 

This is real, the Colin Ritman from his sexual awakening, the Colin Ritman that he had desired in every way possible, and he was right there, on his couch, directly underneath him. He pulled away for a moment to breathe. Stefan needed to look at him, make sure that he was really there and that this just wasn't one of those weird vivid dreams. Colin met his eyes. It felt like the world stood still for a moment. The room was silent. Colin then removed his glasses and as he stretched over to place them on the coffee table. Stefan could notice his exposed his neck. Colin’s head was tilted to his right and the skin on his neck was taught. Stefan couldn't stop his impulse to kiss the soft warm skin.

Colin moaned and tightened his grip around Stefan. His hands eagerly caressing every inch of his body that he could reach and his left leg bending slightly so that it pressed against Stefan's groin.

Stefan exhaled heavily, he could feel himself growing harder from Colin's touch. 

Colin began to pull on Stefan's shirt and he sat up to help him take it off, then Colin removed his own shirt. 

His skin was pale and lightly freckled, his nipples small, pink and hard. He looked down on his own chest. A few moles dotted around a equally pale skin with brown-ish nipples. Maybe Colin took his gaze as an invitation because Colin's arms wrapped around his waist as he started kissing Stefan's chest eagerly. 

Stefan took the opportunity to caress Colin, let his hands explore his hair and backside. Colin bit gingerly on Stefan's left nipple. It wasn't as painful as his brain first tried to tell him. Stefan could hear a strange moan escape from his lips. This seemed to please Colin as Stefan could feel him smile against his chest. Colin then pushed Stefan over, reversing the roles, and started to kiss and suck feverishly on Stefan's neck. Colin's hands traveled down along Stefan's chest to his trousers, ready to undo his zipper.

“You all right with this?” Colin asked. Stefan was a little taken aback, but found it nice that he made sure that everything was consensual.

“Just fucking do it already,” he mustered in a breathy whisper, his voice full of want.

Colin smiled and gave him a quick kiss before proceeding to remove his trousers. Stefan could feel his heart raising even more, his breathing was shallow and his entire body quivering. 

Colin grabbed him gently by his shaft and the took him into his mouth. Stefan reached to grab the hand that was resting on his hip. He felt like he needed the stability, like he was going to float away if he didn't hold on to something. Colin's tongue was doing something wonderfully amazing and he could feel himself arriving faster than he would have wanted. He wanted this feeling to last forever, it was an ecstasy, a bliss that he'd never felt before.

“No,” he mumbled in between moans. “I'm-” he mustered and squeezed Colin's hand tighter as he came into his mouth.

Stefan laid there panting, his eyes closed as Colin placed his weight on his chest and kissed his neck.

“Did you,” god, Stefan felt awkward asking this. “Did you swallow it?”

“It's less messy that way,” Colin answered confidently, seemingly not finding the question weird at all.

“Do you want me to go down on you as well?” Stefan asked, hoping he'd say no, because he wasn't sure he'd know what to do.

“Only if you want to,” Colin whispered calmingly. His fingertips trickling across Stefan's skin.

“I think I'd mess it up,” Stefan admitted. He could feel Colin's hardness against his thigh. He was feeling slightly guilty about leaving him waiting.

“It's ok,” Colin said, and as if he could read Stefan's thoughts, Colin's hand guided Stefan's, letting him know just what to do. Once Stefan started moving more confidently, Colin's hand returned to caressing him softly, not distracting him from his task, giving him subtle clues of how he was doing. Colin nibbled on his earlobe which was surprisingly arousing. 

“Kiss me,” he mumbled into his Stefan's ear. Stefan wasn't hesitant to oblige.

In between kisses he could hear Colin moan harder, indicating that he was close. He arched his head backwards as he came. Stefan thought to himself that Colin had never looked more attractive than in just this moment and he could feel Colin's warmth spread across his lower abdomen. He didn't mind. Stefan watched Colin take a few heaving breaths and then finally opening his eyes, meeting Stefan's gaze with a wild lucidity. 

They smiled at each other as Colin dropped down on Stefan's rightmost side. Stefan wrapped his arms around Colin and held him close.

“That was... wow,” was all Stefan could say. He'd debated if the logical thing would be to shut up or tell Colin that he really liked it. It didn't take much deliberation however, Colin had been upright and honest with him ever since they met and it felt only right to be open and honest in return. After all, Colin had acted on his own volition and that hopefully meant that he was open for some post-coital smalltalk. “I mean, it’s not like I have much to compare it to.”

Colin supported his chin with his left hand, slowly and softly caressing the nape of Stefan’s neck with his right hand.

“There’s a first time for everything,” he said, his voice was low and burning, like the hum from a computer, familiar, safe and reassuring. “We should get you cleaned up,” he noted and began to untangle himself from Stefan’s embrace.

Stefan stood up and grabbed Colin’s wrist, guiding him toward the bathroom. His mind was still high on the dopamine and he could for the first time imagine the future much further than he ever could before. Hoping and assuming that Colin would persist in his life. 

He could see flashes of himself and Colin on a beach in what seemed like Fiji. Colin’s hair was wet with salt water and sand was clinging to his tanned, freckled skin. It was all a blurry, rosy fantasy that Colin’s presence had enabled. 

Happy songs were playing in his mind and the future seemed less bleak now that Colin was in it.

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for 100 kudos! <3
> 
> Oh, Hi! You made it to the end! If you liked this, please check out my other fics<3


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